Or in my case I could have said it, but getting into an argument in the comments section of someone else’s Instagram post was less than appealing.
What riled me so?
A post made by another mum (who’s also a yoga teacher – ug) stating that feeding your baby formula is a heinous act and you’ve obviously failed at motherhood if you even consider it.
Look, I’m paraphrasing her words but that was defo the gist. I even imagine the shiny mane of the high horse upon which she sat as she posted it.
This is clearly a touchy topic for me (and many other mums) ‘cos I’ve had a somewhat complicated relo with breastfeeding.
I’ve combination fed my babies breast milk and formula ever since their birth.
The first time they had formula was in the NICU when the doctors gave them formula for premmy babies ‘cos I was having underproduction problems (which I’ve had basically the entire time) and couldn’t pump enough milk.
‘Breast is best’ echoed around my head, as did the literature I was given in hospital about all the terrible things that could happen to formula-fed babies (!), but my babies *actually being fed and gaining weight* seemed way more important.
After they came home and had gained weight, I chose to give them one formula feed per day instead of exclusively breastmilk for the simple reason that it meant I didn’t have to get half-naked in public.
I dunno if you’ve ever seen a twin mum breastfeeding both babies, but I’m guessing not (unless you are a twin mum), ‘cos it’s generally not something we do in public.
Breastfeeding two babies at the same time involves *literally* being naked from the waist up, laying a donut pillow on your lap, positioning a baby on each side with their legs extending backwards under your armpits like a pair of bazooka guns, and staying that way for 40+ mins if your babies are long feeders.
I don’t reckon there are many mums who’d feel comfortable doing that at the local cafe, which is exactly why I favoured a formula bottle – so I could go and meet up with friends for a coffee without becoming a circus spectacle.
Anyway, no matter how resolved I feel in my choice to give my babies formula, the ‘breast is best’ noise is so loud that I still feel ashamed to be mixing up a bottle in public.
All that’s to explain why I felt so triggered by another mum’s off handed ‘formula-is-the-worst-I-would-never’ comment; as it it were some kind of epic mum failure on my part.
We’ve all been on the receiving end of hurtful opinions or triggering unsolicited advice that can leave us feeling ashamed, attacked, exposed, or vulnerable.
Before you decide to invest your precious time overthinking or squandering anger or resentment, ask yourself these questions instead:
- Is this someone else’s interpretation of something, or is it fact?
- Is this person’s opinion important to you?
- Are they qualified to give you their opinion?
- Is there a basis for their opinion?
- Are you open to discuss/understand it?
- For what reason are they telling you this?
- What sort of relationship do you want to have with this person in the future?
SO MANY GOOD QUESTIONS!!
This list is equally useful to gain perspective when the person in question is a rando on the internet, or someone you care deeply about (and helps to answer the question: ‘where to from here?’).
I hope this helps next time you need it!
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