The Louis CK advice that’s lived rent-free in my head for 10+ years

29 Jan

I’m a HUGE Springsteen fan.

OG fan, to be clear. I’m talkin’ the largely unknown stuff from the early 70’s.

I’ve gained a bit of a reputation for myself for being such a crazed fan, which in wonderful ‘cos it means that people often send me Springsteen-related content (the epitome of ‘that which you seek is seeking you’).

But amongst all the Springsteen-related stuff I’ve been sent over the years, one thing has stuck to my brain like glue 10+ years.

It was a 5 minute clip of Louis CK on Conan O’Brien’s talkshow, and I’ve watched it more times than I can count over the past decade.

Described as ‘a melancholy tale filled with despair and hope and a Bruce Springsteen song,’ comedian Louis CK talks about why he hates cell phones.

The gist of it is that phones - along with food and jacking off (his words!) - have become tools of escapism for when we’re feeling an emotion that we’d rather suppress or escape.

In this short clip, Louis CK says the following:

“Underneath everything in your life, there’s that thing. That empty, forever empty - you know what I’m talkin’ about? Just that knowledge that it’s all for nothin’ and you’re alone.”

He talks about how sometimes when we’re not doing anything and we’re not distracted, “things clear away…you start goin’ ‘ohhhh no here it comes, that I’m alone’ - like it starts to visit on you. You know, just this sadness. Life is tremendously sad, just by being in it.”

He then describes a time when he was driving and a Springsteen song (Jungleland - beautiful & poetic) came on the radio. The song triggered something within and made him really sad, and his first response was to want to take out his phone and text ‘hi’ to 50 people as a way of trying to avoid the feeling.

Instead, he pulled his car over and let the sadness hit him ‘like a truck’. He cried his eyes out until it was replaced with a profound sense of gratitude.

Now, if my own experiences and the experiences of all the people who watched the video and left comments beneath are anything to go by - this is one of the most relatable, shared parts of humanity.

I could be walking down the street on a sunny day, listening to some vibey music, feeling good then BAM - there it is. That thing that Louis CK talks about.

An inexpressible sadness that comes from nowhere. A lot of the time it floats away as quickly as it came, but for the short moment it’s there it feels so shitty that sometimes I find myself turning to my own methods of escapism.

It wasn’t until quite recently that I could actually put a name to these ‘methods of escapism’. In ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy which is used to treat many things, among them OCD & anxiety), they’re known as ‘struggle strategies.’

These include all the strategies we use to try to control or escape our feelings - a few classic examples are suppressing, avoiding certain situations, comfort eating, and of course - procrastination (often via our phones!).

They’re not necessarily a bad thing, but they often become excessive and actually make us feel worse, or prevent us from doing things that matter to us.

Louis CK was onto something big when he talked about the importance of letting the feeling be there, of allowing it to come and go in its own time - which is also another big principle of ACT.

Much easier said than done, right?

Here’s a place to start, with a simple exercise that you can remember with the acronym ACE.

A - Acknowledge

Get curious about what’s happening in your inner world by asking yourself: in this moment, what thoughts & feelings are present? Notice and name them, perhaps using the following phrases: I’m noticing (anger). Here is (a feeling of sadness).

C - Connect

Connect with your physical body in whatever way feels best for you, for example:

push your feet into the floor
press your palms together
raise and lower your eyebrows
stretch your arms overhead
roll your neck or shoulders

E - Engage

Keep at steps 1 & 2, while also taking a moment to engage with your surroundings. This could be as simple as noticing what’s around you in the room or space you’re in. After that, give your full attention to whatever it is you’re doing (like reading this blog!).

Give it a go - you might notice that your thoughts and feelings don’t change much, but maybe you’re able to take half a step away from them.

The more you practice it, the more you’ll get out of it.

If it doesn’t work for you - no stress.

It’s just one of many ways to be with whatever is present.

Later, we’ll explore some more!