But first, some context:
A few years ago when I was living in Melbourne and working in design, my boss and I had a meeting scheduled with the President of Timor Leste to discuss a social enterprise.
I was ABSOLUTELY FAN-GIRLING about this meeting.
Indulge me while I throw a few facts out there in an effort to demonstrate why I SO DEEPLY ADMIRED this man and how much of a HUGE DEAL this meeting was:
He had:
- led the struggle for independence for Timor while living in exile for almost 30 years during the Indonesian occupation of his country
- a diplomat, a negotiator and a peace maker, he won the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts in 1996
- he was shot three times during an assassination attempt in Timor, was airlifted to Australia for treatment, and returned to Timor with less security than ever (straight up bad-ass)
So you get my fan-girling, yeah?
Anyway – cut to scene.
My boss comes to me the day before and tells me our meeting is scheduled for 11am the next day.
How do you know? I ask, since Ive been solely in charge of comms thus far.
He emailed me the invite, he tells me – at which point I demand to see it. He shows me it and I realise:
IVE. NOT. BEEN. INVITED.
Kicked off the team.
Unceremoniously been shown the door.
However you wanna phrase it, my name was definitely not on that invite.
I waste no time in making this about me. Although theres no reason or justification for it, I immediately blame myself for not scoring an invite.
And this, my friend, is a negative thought pattern known as personalisation, characterised by the following:
- feelings of doubt and inadequacy (in my case: of course Im not worthy of being in this mans presence.)
- feeling personally targeted by someones behaviour (in my case: he has intentionally removed my name from this list of attendees.)
- feeling deliberately excluded from a group (in my case: he has deliberately NOT invited me and thus excluded me from the project.)
- assuming that you have control (when you dont)
- basically forgetting that external factors are a thing(in my case, forgetting entirely that hes a busy man who doesnt even have the time or energy to invest in a silent offensive against me!)
People with (you guessed it!) anxiety-related disorders are some of the most affected by personalisation and friend, thats a lot of responsibility to shoulder
Cos in reality:
- external circumstances do exist
- we have control over very little
- we almost never have control over other peoples actions
When next you find yourself in a this is all about me spiral, try naming the story.
I call mine The Whitney Houston Story, cos shes the ultimate, most powerful diva (and I LOVE her). Naming this particular story after her reminds me that:
- Im not the axis of the Universe upon which everything else turns
- people make decisions all the time for many reasons
- ALMOST NONE of em have anything to do with me
- If I were Whitney Houston, maybe I could justify the assumption that people make decisions all the time because of me and that I truly am the centre of the Universe BUT – Im not Whitney Houston.
I ended up going to the meeting anyway on my boss orders and I got the scoop on what had actually happened…
The President had confused me with his mates wife cos we have the same name (fun side note: his mate in question was none other than Timor Lestes first President/the leader of the guerrilla resistance prior to independence!).
He even showed me on his ipad the email hed sent her – which was meant for me – and we had a little chuckle together (a true WTF is life moment!).
Next time you feel responsible/at fault/targeted/excluded and theres no evidence to support it…remember that its just a story youre telling yourself.
And say hi to Whitney for me!
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